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September 2, 1999

Macon needs piping like Warner Robins to meet EPD guidelines

WARNER ROBINS - The city's older waste-water treatment plant met a state deadline this week to avoid fines and the potential of being closed, according to state Environmental Protection Division officials.

"We today authorized the city to begin discharging through the mile-long pipeline into the (Ocmulgee) river," Jeff Larceny, manager of permitting, compliance and enforcement for the EPD's water protection branch said Tuesday. Recent EPD tests indicated the 46-year-old plant was releasing treated waste water with too much ammonia and not enough oxygen to meet state standards for Horse Creek, a tiny stream that flows into the Ocmulgee River. Horse Creek got its name from the dark green color and grassy texture of its waters.

The ammonia and oxygen levels could hurt fish in the creek but not the tougher breeds in the Ocmulgee River, where the fish are already conditioned to upstream pollutants such as Macon, said EPD officials.

EPD has recommended the construction of a similar piping system to handle the output flowing from Macon's City Council chambers. "They are so full of it, they really need an efficient piping system," Larceny said.


September 1, 2004

Macon pipe dreams become reality

Dennis Dorsey, chairman of the Macon-Bibb County commission, laughs when he thinks of how things were just five years ago. "I would have told you you're crazy if you'd told me five years ago that we'd have the Atlanta Falcon's training camp here in west Macon. Who would have believed that five out of seven commissioners would be Republicans? We had so many problems to overcome. It's amazing what Maconites can accomplish when they work together for a goal," Dorsey said. "Under the leadership of then-chairman Kenny Burgamy, the joint city-county commission worked in concert to pass revenue guarantees and get private funding for the multi-million dollar facility. It's been an economic boom for Macon and Bibb County."

"We owe Burgamy and all those who worked on this project a big debt of gratitude," said Charles Richardson, Executive Director of the Macon Soccer/Falcons complex. Richardson will step down as director Oct. 1, when Charles Turner will assume control as Executive Director of the massive complex. Turner's popular local radio show is broadcast from the media studio at the complex. "Since I'll be joining Kenny Burgamy on his nationally syndicated radio show, I'll thank Kenny on behalf of Macon with a sloppy wet kiss," Richardson said.


August 31, 1999

Improving Georgia SAT scores like moving a glacier uphill

The glacial movement of Georgia's average on the SAT continued in 1999, as high school seniors gained just one point over the previous year's average for the second consecutive year.

State schools Superintendent Linda Schrenko said she still believes students can reach the state school board's goal of a 1,000 combine average on the college-entrance exam by the year 2001. "Either we don't meet the goal or we gain some 30-odd points in the next two years," Schrenko said. "The glacier is moving and I think it may be possible to move the glacier uphill. If we do nothing, then it's a certainty that the glacier will move downward and we'll be ranked 50th."

Georgia currently ranks below every state except South Carolina. "Another alternative would be to allow only the best students to take the test, like some other states do, to raise our average and our ranking. But, to be consistent with the goals of our HOPE scholarship program, we HOPE we can improve our scores without resorting to fudging on the numbers," Schrenko said.


August 30, 1999

Hurricane Ellis threatens to swamp unification

Just as Georgians are breathing a collective sigh of relief with the passage of Hurricane Dennis, another storm looms large for central Georgia. What makes this storm unusual is that it started inland rather than on the open ocean. Circular logic currents and gale force hot air moved trees and wet the landscape but weather experts don't expect too much weather damage.

Some area farmers disagree. "Our unification crop was just sprouting when the drought of apathy struck here in Macon," said Earl Theseus, a local farmer and well-known Greek hero. "We followed the golden thread through the labyrinth of unification. Just as we were set to slay the Menotaur, Hurricane Ellis struck and drowned our crops dead in the fields," Theseus said. "As you may recall, the Menotaur is a horrible monster with several heads like a bull and the teeth of a lion. Once again, the bull has won the day," Theseus said. "You might say that Ellis really rained on our parade."

"The only thing that could make things worse is the horrible abuse of mixed metaphors or perhaps having local politicians tell us the delay is only temporary," said Bubba Atlas, neighbor of Theseus.


August 27, 1999

Democrats slither into Macon to praise own, trash GOP

State Democrats packed the floor of the City Auditorium on Saturday night for an award ceremony and fund-raiser dinner, and also to pat themselves on the back and smear Republicans. Conspicuously missing was mayor-elect Jack Ellis. Pundits speculated that Ellis' low-profile in the Democratic party had to do with revelations last week that his great-grandfather may have been a Republican.

Keynote speaker, Sen. Max Cleland, D-Ga., was welcomed by a standing ovation for being the only U.S. Senator selected to pose for an Esquire centerfold.

Cleland, quoting generously from Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Confucius and Roy Rogers, lauded his party for winning elections and for an economic policy that has resulted in "the American people being the most taxed Americans in history." "Confucius say, the only thing we have to fear is Republicans on a happy trail," Cleland said.

The senator said Georgia stands to benefit from Democratic programs, especially in the field of high-technology. "Since a Democrat invented the internet, we actually started the silicon revolution. You've heard about Silicon Valley. President Clinton has taken a special interest, a hands-on interest if you will, in the medical uses of silicon," Cleland said.

He also poked fun at former Republican Vice President Dan Quayle and Republican presidential front-runner George W. Bush. "We know that mean-spirited Republicans caused every bad thing that's happened since the 1980s including homelessness, corporate greed, tobacco use, pornography on the internet, and much more. What those shiftless, no-good, sorry Republicans that control the Congress don't understand is, we need more bipartisanship," Cleland said.

 


 


Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

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To read the "real" news that inspires these stories, read The Macon Telegraph online.

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